The Naughty Natal Report
Interpretations of the humorous kind for:
October 9, 1940
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This astrological analysis is based
on the following astrological data:
Sun 16 Lib 16
Moon 3 Aqu 33
Mercury 8 Sco 33
Venus 3 Vir 13
Mars 2 Lib 40
War Time observed
GMT: 17:30:00 Time Zone: 0 hours West
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Your Company Name
18 Maple Avenue
Nice Place, California 98765
Sun in Libra:
Libra - Key words: Head in the clouds, while falling
off a cliff
" Fly me to the moon" is the motto of this air sign. "If we aren't going to get married, let me know now, I have a date tomorrow", says the impatient Libra.
Libra is the chemical parent of Librium, a tranquilizer which, by the way, is a wonderful way of not caring about anything.
Librans have a talent for nastiness at times, and can swear so fluently that is frightens everyone, but then again, everyone has their niche in life. Do you need someone unreliable who is not able to keep a secret? Count on a Libra native to spill the beans every time!
Libra people are very easy to spot, as these are the people who can be looking straight at you, and not hear a word that you say, or care! Try to be kind to them, as they spend so much time in another realm that few of us ever see, that they forget about the mundane things of life, like reality.
Some cheap advice: Revenge doesn't belong to Librans, and when they are old enough and mature enough to accept and understand this, they won't spend hours planning the perfect revenge, as Librans are great at carrying grudges and remembering the slightest slights. Librans must use caution as sudden headaches can be a burden to them as well, and must drink plenty of water to keep the kidneys operating in tip top order.
Concentration wise, Libra's are the type of people who can go upstairs for something, and have no idea what they are doing up there in the first place, come back down stairs and begin again.
If flirting was a vocation, Libra would easily be a millionaire a hundred times over, as Librans often confuse love and friendship and are often accused of being loose in the caboose in the lovemaking department.
Libras have a great sense of humor, and everyone, everywhere knows they are in the room by the loud manner in which they laugh.
Moon in Aquarius:
The Emotions - This is what I really need to be complete.
An erratic and unstable nature exists for the person with the Moon in Aquarius. They are lovingly the eternal fruit loops of the universe, where many original thoughts can emerge if they can sort it out of the constant trash removal service that lives in their minds.
Cold feelings towards others can exist for the Moon in Aquarius person, because they can't understand their own emotional needs, much less the needs of others, hence they become a truly detached person emotionally. How can you relate to love or closeness to others if you are locked in the eternal darkness of your mind? This is the turmoil for the Moon in Aquarius person.
Moon in Aquarius's can be very selfish individuals, but they do it in a friendly way. People with their Moon in Aquarius can suffer from Arthritis later in life because they never learned to lighten up!
Moon in Aquarius people love and need challenges in love, such as crawling through a mine field to get to the center where a hundred naked love Gods or Goddesses are chanting their name in unison. What a rush! Moon in Aquarius people have one very disturbing and annoying habit however, they need to stop talking and making those stupid, forced and rehearsed sounds during sex. I'm willing to bet these are the people who dub those phony sound tracks on XXX videos.
Mercury in Scorpio:
Mercury represents the thought process and what the mind sends to the body. Mercury rules how we communicate, what we talk about, and what we think about. Bearing that in mind, here is what they are apt to think and talk about.
Here is the original two edged sword looking for the chopping block. These people are so secretive, that they don't even talk to themselves, but Scorpio natives are perceptive of others and know just when other people are vulnerable so they can swoop down and pounce on them.
Here is another one of those signs that is overcritical of everyone but themselves, the self appointed judge and jury. They should have be policemen, spies, or detectives, peering into everyones secret lives like a common criminal.
Love that is mysterious, behind the scenes and down and dirty, that's Mercury in Scorpio. Sounds like love making with 007, with the same air of danger connected with it. Come to think love making while being attacked would be perfect for them. They can probably be found in dark alleys picking up stray cats doing unspeakable things just for the intrigue.
These must have been the original streakers, who ran nude across the campus. Anything bizarre or perverse is fine for them. They should avoid using the concept of running through the streets nude as a tool for sex, because it won't work. Okay, it might!
This kind of person is the movie director who invites you up to his office to audition for him. "Sit on my couch my dear, let's see what develops".
Venus in Virgo:
Venus defined is: Romance, the action that brings satisfaction. Food, flowers, little chubby people shooting arrows, fertility, and lots of groveling. Here is how the art of love is interpreted by this placement of Venus:
A satisfactory relationship for this person consists of a can of bug spray squirted in the face of the loved one. If they make it through the Emergency Room then love stands a good chance of surviving. Living in a very sterile world is their forte, and females would make great housewives as long as you have them wired correctly, check the programming often, and keep a broom, mop, or kitchen utensil in their hand. All other elements of existence are void, non-existent, and especially not covered by manufacturers warranty.
To Venus in Virgo natives lovemaking is about as interesting as a priest at a peep show. Well, most of them anyway. They will probably be a lot of fun during sex, if they ever get out of the twilight zone! Planning sex for them is the same as planning strategy in a football game, if all of the players are not in the right position, there won't be any touchdown.
How do you actually spot this Vixen of Virtue? She is very easy to find. She has dinner on the table, greets you at the door only because you have dirty shoes, and says "kiss kiss, hug, hug" (words only, there is no visible physical contact involved). Making love to this person is as mechanical as fixing your car.
Romance for them is to hang out at a monastery, and look for rejects. A note of caution: Never, ever walk in on this placement while they are on the thrown, this is where they spend most of their recreational time and they are very guarded about their privacy.
A romantic evening for Venus in Virgo would be to put a dinner plate on the table for their favorite animal, as it asks for nothing and give so much. Venus in Virgo people really get off on this.
Never, under any circumstances, allow anyone with this placement to go into the bathroom to change into something more comfortable because you will never, ever see them again.
Real romance for Venus in Virgo is found in men who are married, terminal patients, or totally disabled.
Yes, people do have to get undressed to have sex, Venus in Virgo. I didn't invent it, it's just one of those things that you have to do. It's a whole concept.
Mars in Libra:
Mars defined: "Its get down and dirty time". Raw passions unleashed upon suspecting and non suspecting persons. Actions desiring prompt and equal reactions of any kind. To get very specific, this is how this great bundle of energy is used in the personal natal chart. This is how that energy interacts with their surroundings.
Rulership is mine says this placement of Mars. You need a partner who is open to love making adventures, like diving off a cliff or having sex in the path of an approaching speedboat. This is true excitement!
At other times they are so considerate of their romantic partner, that they will sit down with them and fill out a questionnaire of likes and dislikes, turn ons and turnoffs, times, dates and places. How sweet and considerate, and a true description of Mars in Libra.
These people must have their own way with this position of Libra. They swing like the scales, an easy going pain in the neck. They can be kind and gentile, or drive you off the road in their car. If this person would ever learn that anger isn't the answer and adopt an attitude of waiting, the desired outcome will come to pass, but no, they've got to take matters into their own hands screwing up the works. Well, see if I care then!
Oddly enough, a lousy marriage is like spiritual awareness in the final examination of things for these natives. They are very intuitive people and must learn to be aggressive and humble equally. In other words learn when to act and when to shut up!
This placement has all the intimacy of two people running towards each other without their feet ever touching the ground. Think about it, it will come to you. Here is the person who is able to make love to an illusion, or some reasonable facsimile.
They have a talent for nastiness, and can swear so fluently that is frightens everyone.